Wendy and Nils

Hawaii Story

      Aloha and Hola,

          I’m just writing to gloat to everyone at how perfectly wonderful our trip to Hawaii was.  Me and Wendy arrived on Christmas Day.  We experienced a handful of epic events, especially on the Big Island, such as swimming with turtles and dolphins, driving higher than the clouds, and watching lava flow down the mountain into the water.  The most exciting thing had nothing to do with Hawaii at all.  I asked Wendy if she would marry me, making us officially engaged!!!!!

     Here are some of the stories we got to make of our trip………

          We got to Oahu early ‘cause AA screwed up our flight again (remember – this whole trip was subsidized by AA with vouchers ‘cause they couldn’t get us to our plane on time in Puerto Rico last year).  We got to spend Christmas day in Oahu.  We were unprepared for the extra day and had no car rental reservation, but I convinced the woman at the rental counter that I was Hawaiian by not enunciating my words properly, which is normal for me anyway, and we got the local’s discount on the rental.  We drove around the Windward side of the Island that day, and ate some authentic Hawaiian grub at a roadside pull off, where my delusory cavity started acting up, and Wendy’s food poisoning started coming up.  We made our way to Sunset Beach and watched the surfers and the sun go down.  We did the last leg of our flight to the Big Island that evening and camped on the beach.

          The next morning a local promptly offered to sell us some “paka lolo” which translates to something like stupid plant for smoke, which made me feel like I was at home Boulder style, and reminded me of one big reason I love Hawaii so much.  Soon after not purchasing anything, the cops knocked on our tent.  In this case, I spoke clearly, and acted nothing like a Hawaiian, and the cop didn’t hassle me anymore,  ‘cause he assumed I was white. We went for a jog on some old sugar cane roads near the beach that morning, then had the best non-alcoholic ice cream flavored smoothie of our lives, and went bodysurfing.  We spent the night driving fast cars and eating at expensive restaurants in Kona.

          The next day we hung around Kona and ate the best chocolate ever and I almost died of heat stroke.  We went South that evening and snorkeled with fish who liked urine ‘cause the more I pee-ed the more fish I seemed to find.  At sunset, I asked Wendy to marry me.  Even though she thoroughly expected it, my timing was unexpected, so she didn’t expect it, and I didn’t ask her ‘cause she’s expecting ‘cause she’s not expecting.  We were going to spend that evening at a secluded campground, but only came to find that this supposed pristine campground was located in the sketchiest crystal meth producing section of the island, so we drove further South, and stayed at an unbelievably picturesque campground.

          On the 28th we went to Volcano National Park and went spelunking in a lava tube and got “lost” in the jungle, and inhaled sulfur fumes ‘till I felt like I was on whip-its.  That night we saw lava flow down the mountain and crash into the water which was really cool, but I would have liked to get closer to that hot stuff considering that I lack good judgment.  That night we froze our asses off at a Volcano National Park campground. 

          The next day we swam with sea turtles where I found out they do have teeth,  ‘cause if you pull their tails, they bite!!  We then went to Hilo and in the evening we drove up the mountain higher than the clouds.  We looked at nebulas through telescopes, as astronomy geeks similar to the ones I used to pick on in junior high school, explained to us how Buck Rogers used a black hole as a teleportation device.

          On the 30th we went to the zoo and the Puna district on the Southeast side.  We swam in hot springs where unfortunately nobody was naked, but we did manage to find a nude beach full of hippies and old gay men, which wasn’t much of a thrill.  Offshore a group of dolphins were swimming with the naked snorkel people.  Swimming with the dolphins was the most amazing thing.  Swimming with the naked snorkel people wasn’t as exciting as it’s made out to be.  At sunset, we went to the recent lava flow for one last glimpse of the earth farting and steaming and we wondered on a beach that was created in the 1990’s.  When nighttime came things started getting weird.  A local’s Kava Kava bar served us up some pricey mildly disorienting drinks and we went on a nature hike reminiscent of Alice in Wonderland mixed with the Brady Bunch goes to Hawaii complete with Tiki Voodoo Curses and angry locals.  We drove to a village in the Puna district for some dinner only to find a clash of forces.  The mix of imported THC laced hippies and local teenagers high on high-grade meth and stingy tourists from So Cal with an overabundance of money but no sense of generosity ‘caused an angry blend of animosity.  We decided to quickly exit this area of the Big Island only to find our getaway car had been sabotaged and been infected with broken transmission disease.  Considering it was a rental, I proceeded to drive to my hearts content, until I happened upon an Alamo in Hilo and they gave me a new rental which kinda’ smelt like puke. 

          New Years Eve we visited the impressive Akaka Falls and surrounded ourselves with Japenese travelers, thus giving the us full effect of being at a Hawaiian tourist attraction.  We made our way to the Northwest side of the island, to a beautiful park, where we had a steak barbecue breakfast.  A local family was having a wedding nearby, and my barbecue wouldn’t stay lit, so I thoughtfully provided the special effects (smoke and sparks) for their event.  The North side of the island is said to be one of the most impressive places in the world, so we drove there next, and slept in the car for a few hours, and looked over the lookout for ten minutes, and decided we could kinda’ skip one the most impressive places in the world.  We made our way to Kona that evening to watch the fireworks, which were cancelled, ‘cause some righteous Christians thought a big event to sell their beliefs was more important than blowing shit up.  The event featured some halfway descent Christian rock bands, and a drunk lady got up on stage in an attempt to disrobe, and there was plenty of personal fireworks exploding to make you feel threatened, so all was well.  We didn’t even make it to midnight and slept in the Chevy Cavalier Grand Resort ‘cause nobody else had any vacant rooms.

          The first day of 2007 was not spent hung over!!!! We woke up early and went to the renowned Captain Cook snorkeling reef.  The area had that “Come Back to Jamaica” vibe with every brother and his mother’s uncle trying to swing a deal for you.  We decided to ignore their offers and make our way to the reef without a guide.  Halfway there we encountered a school of jellyfish.  My vote was to continue swimming through the varmints until we were permanently scared.  Luckily, my wonderful fiancé is super smart and she guided me to the shoreline for safety.  We saw a stingray and some police on a boat who told us the only place we were allowed to snorkel was with the jellyfish, so I pretended to be Hawaiian by not enunciating my words properly, which is normal for me anyway, and they looked at me like I was retarded and decided to ignore us.  We flew to Oahu that afternoon, and saw a real life pimp and his ho at the airport, and went shopping at the deluxe Hawaiian mall, and sat on the beach until the sun set, where I saw the urban mythafied green flash, and we got a classy hotel room in Waikiki where we spent the rest of our night.

          The next morning Wendy took me on a jog in Waikiki thru large clumps of Japanese tour groups, into the lobby’s of some of the finest hotels, thru shopping malls, on a single file beachside boardwalk, and other places people aren’t actually supposed to jog.  After that, I bought a surfboard from some sketchy random for $60, and headed to the West side Makaha. I then attempted to prove my manhood/stupidity by paddling out into near tow in sized waves, where I didn’t catch one wave but proudly lived to tell about.  That night we saw Fijian fire dancers perform at the Mormon operated Polynesian Cultural Center.  For religious reasons, they sold no alcohol, so the performance wasn’t nearly as exciting as it could have been, but they did make fun of homosexuals, so everything ended up all right.  That night we drove back and stayed at the hotel with the finest lobby in Waikiki, and the crappiest rooms.

          The next to last day in Hawaii, I surfed in Waikiki for the first time in my life, and had a wonderful time. Most of the surfers were probably from the Mid-West on the Mainland, and I’m a Masshole at heart, so I’m really good at rudeness and cutting people off and stealing waves and making sure that I have fun at the cost of others.  That night we went to see my bud Andrew who obviously has a couple of crazy kids and a two certifiably insane dogs, so the chaos comforted me and reminded me of my sister Heidi and her family.  We went back to Waikiki with hopes of partying ‘till the sun came up, but we ended up falling asleep before the sun even went down.

           The last day of our trip wasn’t the funnest ‘cause we wanted to stay in Hawaii forever.  We went to Makaha and the waves were perfect, but the Hawaiians are bigger Massholes than me, so I didn’t catch any waves at their expense.  Wendy spent the day attempting to absorb the perfect sunburn. She is quite the overachiever, so her sunburn was brutally perfect.  It wasn’t worth bringing my surfboard back to the mainland, so I abandoned it across the street from Makaha beach, and within ten minutes some local kids found it.  I’m sure they reported the lost surfboard to the police, and it has since found its way to an important charitable group.  We went back to the airport, and waited at the lanai, and I spit in the goldfish pond, and we laughed as they thought I was feeding them bread.

          When we arrived in Boston the temperature was a frigid 60 degrees and the weather forecasters predicted 70 degree days for the weekend.  We wondered why we needed to go to the tropics when we had them right here. The truth is, sometimes you just have to travel half way across the world to find a real adventure for yourself.


                                             Aloha + Mahalo,

                                                                     Nils “Kahuna” Crusberg

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